Sarah vs the Emotional Uncertainties
by nattylovesjordy
Summary: Sarah goes through a series of emotional breakdowns, leaving her and Chuck worried about what comes next. Chuck/Sarah. Read more inside...
1. Prologue

Okay, so I've had this idea floating around in my mind for a while now, and decided to act on it. I can't tell you much of anything about it, other than it's going to be really sad at times, but also filled with fluff.

**Mentioned Characters:** Chuck, Sarah, Casey, Beckman, Graham.  
**Episode:** Comes after _Chuck vs. the Marlin_.  
**Pairings: **Chuck/Sarah.  
**Extra Note:** Yes, this is going to be mainly about Sarah, but it will have parts that are about Chuck, and ironically enough, the first focuses a little more on Chuck than Sarah.  
**Disclaimer:** Sadly, I still own nothing. It's on my Christmas list though.. And my birthday list.

Prologue

"What do I do now?" Chuck asked himself. He found that recently, he had been asking himself that question a lot.

His life had just started getting back to normal after Stanford when Sarah and Casey popped into his life. Sure, it took five years for him to begin letting Jill go, but then Sarah came along. Along with Sarah came a mixture of emotions. Chuck had developed feelings for her, but along with those feelings came hurt, rejection, anger, sadness, danger.

Sarah carved a perfect little trail for Chuck to follow, but in order for him to follow it, his heart had to break a little more with every step.

Day in and day out, Chuck would go after her, trying to get to the end of the path to the prize--Sarah's heart--getting hurt more and more.

In addition to his fracturing heart, there were a few good repairing moments. When Sarah kissed him like no tomorrow at the docs, Chucks heart had repaired a small bit. When Sarah disobeyed orders to go in search of Chuck, instead of Lizzy, Chuck's fragile, injured heart had healed.

The little moments previewing Sarah's true feelings more than overlapped the cuts and bruises that both her and Jill had afflicted upon his soft heart, bringing it back to its state of completeness.

When Sarah took the jump to take their "relationship" to the next level, only this time without everything only being for the sake of a cover, Chuck was ecstatic and had to refrain from jumping for joy. Sarah had told him that she wasn't permitted to have feelings for him, but that it wasn't going to stop her-- to stop them from becoming one.

Their only safe place was her apartment. Chuck spent most days and nights with her there. The superiors agreed only under the circumstance that it was good for their cover. Casey had rolled his eyes and made some smart-ass remark.

Chuck was allowed to ask her about her life; sometimes she'd give him detailed answers, sometimes vague ones.

They both knew that it'd only be a matter of time before Casey, or the superiors, found out the reality behind their relationship, but they weren't going to let them that stop them. Instead, it proved to be a catalyst for their relationship knowing that any day, at any given time, they could be caught and penalized, pushing their relationship to the extreme.

Little did they know at the time that the penalty would come in a different and unexpected form.

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**Author's Note: **Chapter one will be up in a jiffy. I hope you liked it and I'd really love it if you'd review. It feeds my fuel/inspiration!


	2. Chapter 1: Affirmed Fears

**Disclaimer: **I still own nothing. Not Sarah, not Chuck, not even a bag of garlic bread...  
**Author's Note: **Well, this is chapter one. It's a bit sad, which is different for me, so bear with me here. And well... Enjoy. Review if you please?

Chapter One: Affirmed Fears

For the first week, she brushed it off, ignoring the feeling in her stomach. By the second week, she tried to not think much of it, but the closer and closer it had come into three weeks, the harder time she had denying it.

Sarah was never late for her period, and now being three weeks late, she knew something was way out of the ordinary.

On her day off, she went to the store and bought three tests, all of different brands. Even after they all tested positive, she continued to have an attitude of denial. She replaced the sticks in their respective boxes and hid them in her purse, and went back to the store and bought four more tests, just to be safe.

All 7 of her tests affirmed her fear; Sarah walker, legendary CIA agent, was pregnant with no other than her asset, Chuck's, baby.

There was no way she'd be able to explain this to Chuck, let alone explaining _or_ hiding it from Casey and their superiors.

Sarah had managed to sleep the rest of the day through her uneasiness until Chuck came in with food. It wasn't unusual for Chuck to welcome himself in, he did after all have a key.

Sarah slowly woke by the smell of garlic bread and spaghetti sauce.

"Mmm..." She mumbled as she rubbed her eyes and got out of bed. Seeing as the stress from the day had caused her not to eat, she had to quickly steady herself on her dresser to keep her from falling.

"You need food." Chuck suggested as he gingerly guided her to a chair at the table. Chuck had proceeded to tell her about his lame day at work as Chuck ate and Sarah pushed her food back and forth in the metal container.

"Are you feeling okay?" Chuck asked, interrupting his rant.

"Huh?" Sarah asked. She clearly had been caught not paying attention.

"Do you feel sick? Does the food not taste good?"

"Oh no, everything is fine."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure." She replied a second too quickly.

"Okay." He dismissed as he continued eating his food. When Chuck had offered to go home because she seemed distant, like she wanted to be alone, she insisted on him staying. He didn't know it, but she didn't want to be alone, and she knew that she should tell him.

Chuck of course knew that something was wrong, but trusted Sarah to tell him once she was ready. He always did, and always would, wait for her to open up. Overtime, he learned that pushing her even the slightest bit from time to time would get her to open up within time.

He had grown to expect these intelligently mapped out responses, but what he didn't expect was for Sarah to hold on to him as hard as she did as he climbed into bed later that night.

Sarah had changed into one of Chuck's t-shirts and a pair of baggy sweat pants then crawled into bed. By the time Chuck had gotten out of the shower, he expected her to already be sleeping seeing her attitude that night, and his suspicions were right. Her face was buried into her pillow, her disarranged blond hair on top of the pillow and parts of her neck.

As he slowly lowered himself into the bed, she turned around and Chuck noticed she wasn't asleep. He scanned her face, and when his eyes stopped on hers, he noticed part of the emotional reasoning behind the inadequacy of the normal Sarah's happiness.

Her eyes weren't white with bright blue pools in the middle, but puffy and red with a small, lifeless blue dot. It was obvious that she had been crying; an occurrence not natural to Sarah.

Silently, Sarah nestled into his arms, getting as close to him as possible.

"Stay with me?" She requested as she wrapped her own arms around his body.

Chuck placed on hand on her lower back, the other stroking her hair and pressed a kiss into her skull, resting his chin on the top of her head. "Of course."

Sarah silently cried into his chest, leaving a warm wet spot that Chuck felt. As her body shook, he held her tighter and tighter, pushing her closer and closer.

"Shh... It's okay." He whispered as sob wracked her body.

Sarah didn't know what to do, which brought on the breakdown. She couldn't seem to form words to tell him and all her body would allow was for her to cry like crazy.

Her heart broke for the baby that she was carrying. The possibility that she may have to terminate the pregnancy killed her inside. Her job simply didn't have room for a child in tow.

While Sarah's heart broke for her unborn child, Chuck's broke for Sarah. Never had he seen her break down like this. Clearly, something was tearing her up from the inside, but he didn't quite know how to help. Seeing her this upset and broken was terrible and all he wanted to help her in any way he could.

It took a full hour for Sarah to stop crying. At first, the crying had turned into sobbing, which digressed back to a level of quieter tears, then it stopped all together. Her breathing slowly descended back to full, even breaths. Once she was sleeping, taking long and steady breaths, Chuck allowed himself to rest, falling into a light stage of sleep.

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Chuck had ended up waking up before Sarah, but stayed in bed with her in his arms.

It was finally the end of the week and they only had to work one more day before they could have a little break, but Sarah was in no shape to work, or be alone for that matter. He didn't call themselves in sick, instead he just lay there, holding Sarah with his arms tightly around her mid torso.

He still was in the dark as to what to do, as to what was wrong, but he was still willing to wait it out.

He felt her shuffle next to him as she turned to face him, looking a little better than the night before.

For a moment, no one said anything, instead they just looked at each other. As Chuck looked into her eyes, as he did last night, he saw the same pain and despair replacing the vibrant and joys of blue with gray.

Sarah looked into his eyes and saw worry and unconditional love. She felt terrible about breaking down in front of him last night, but the longer he was present, the harder the reality sunk in and the emotions took over.

Chuck was the one to break the silence. "Good morning."

She had no idea how to respond, fearing her body would crumble again. All she could do was muster up a "Morning." She broke the eye contact and placed her head on his shoulder.

"I, um... You shouldn't go to work today."

"Mmhmm..." She closed her eyes and replied.

"And you really shouldn't be alone. Not after what happened last night, so I'm staying home with you, if that's alright."

"I... You should go to work."

"You sure? Because you seem pretty distressed about something and well, in case that happens again or you want to talk about it, I should be here."

"I think I just need some time to think."

"Then we'll talk about it?" Chuck asked, giving her that little push.

"Then we'll talk about it. Promise."

"You sure that you want me to go?"

"Yes." There was a slight bit of hesitation, but Chuck didn't catch on.

"I'll have my cell phone on, so call me if you need anything, okay?"

"I will."

Chuck got up from the bed, leaving Sarah cold and alone from the lack of his warm body. He put his shirt and pants back on, and with a last kiss, left. Sarah watched him leave and slipped into the bathroom once she was certain he was gone.

She couldn't stand to look at herself in the mirror, but after she avoided it long enough, she scanned her body with her puffy eyes. In the mirror, she was a tall and skinny woman who was active and had muscle. She knew that in a very short time, her body would change more than the small bits already expanding. The idea of not being as active while she was pregnant depressed her, but the consequences were better than having to live with herself after essentially killing it, like she was sure both agencies would "encourage," their word for threaten, her to do.

As her eyes studied her face, she noticed her lack of normalcy. She noticed her stressed and older expression, but most of all, she noticed the depression that had hit her emotionally as well as physically. Her emotions were spelled out all over her face; there were bags under her eyes from the rough sleep and her eyes should a deprivation of soul, and colored red. Her cheeks were red and splotchy, a result from crying, and her nose was equally discolored.

She couldn't even smile. She tried, but it looked forced and painful.

She stripped her body of the rest of her clothing, resulting in a sudden chill from the cold air sweeping over her. Quickly, she stepped into the steaming hot shower, her muscles relaxing from their previous tenseness.

Once she had washed her hair, she stood under the hot water, letting the small beads of water flow over her body, hoping to restore the Sarah she was before the news.

Her stomach started making noises, indicating it's need for nutrients, and her hands had become wrinkly. Hesitantly, she agreed with her body and stepped out out of the shower. She wrapped herself in a small brown towel and walked out into her kitchen.

As she poured the coffee beans into the grinder, the unfortunate realization that she couldn't have caffeine hit her. The lack of caffeine made her realize, randomly enough, that she couldn't do this alone. If she couldn't tell Chuck right away, she had to tell someone. Someone who would understand and relate in a womanly way. And she knew just the person.


	3. Chapter 2: Girl Talk

**Disclaimer: **Still don't own anything Chuck related, besides for a pair of converse...

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Chapter 2: Girl Talk

"Of course! Come right on over!" Unsurprisingly, Ellie had agreed. Sarah had called Ellie shortly after her shower, asking if they could talk. "Girl talk," Sarah had called it, knowing that Ellie would find the name appealing.

Now, Sarah found herself standing at the front door of the Bartowski home, not knocking. She was supposed to have gone inside minutes ago, but she quickly lost her courage and backed out. She was just about to turn around and leave when the click of an opening door sounded from behind her.

"Sarah! Hello!" Ellie greeted with a big, welcoming hug. "I was starting to get worried! Did you knock?"

"Yeah, I just figured you'd left or something." Sarah lied through her teeth. The Bartowski's seemed to have a way with catching Sarah not paying attention, or losing it.

"Well come in, come in!" Ellie led Sarah to the couch in the living room as she handed started to hand Sarah a mug. "Coffee?"

"Oh, no thanks." Sarah tried to be cheery, and she had definitely improved since her forced smiling in the bathroom earlier. On the inside, though, she was still torn up from everything happening.

Sarah begun thinking about how she had lost it the night before and how Chuck must be feeling. She knew that he must be concerned, but was more worried about how he would react when she finally talked to him about it.

Ellie interrupted her thoughts. "So, what do you want to talk about? Shoes, actors, work, Chuck?"

"Well, I kinda wanted to talk about-" Sarah abruptly stopped. She couldn't seem to find the words to describe her situation. For one, she couldn't go into detail with her real life and she was scared to tell her lover's older sister.

Ellie quickly noticed the discomfort and took her hand, reassuring her everything was fine "Sarah," Ellie started as she patted Sarah's hand. "Nothing you say here will be repeated, I promise. It's just between you and me."

_And Casey, _Sarah thought. Upon thinking this, she put her free hand behind her back and pressed a button on a small remote in her back pocket to jam the feed for the bugs he had placed around the house.

"I... Well, it's about me _and _Chuck."

"Relationship problems? Do I need to reprimand him?" She joked, trying to keep the mood light, much like the younger Bartowski sibling.

"Well.. kind of."

"Go on."

"Well, we just recently started dating again, and everything is going wonderfully, but we've hit a type of... road block."

"What type of road block?"

"Well, it's a really big one and I just don't know what to do." Sarah admitting her weakness made her stomach flip, forcing her to want to throw up, but she maintained her composure.

Being so open and honest like that, wasn't something she was ever really allowed to do. Being in the CIA had forced her to keep secrets from everyone, including showing her weaknesses. _Especially _withholding her weaknesses from others.

True, Sarah was still contemplating which path to take, which decision to make, taking it step by step, but that was something that she should keep quiet, not go telling people.

She had no idea what force make her say that, but she said it, and after the reality of her admittance set in, and the uneasy feeling in her stomach settled, she felt a little better.

"Did Chuck cheat on you?" _Wow_, Sarah thought. She would have never imagined something like that to come out of Ellie's mouth.

"No! Oh, goodness no!"

"You can tell me Sarah."

"I'm pregnant." She quietly blurted as she hung her head in shame, staring at her hands.

It took a moment for Ellie to fully recover. "Wow. That's big. Have you told him yet?"

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I can't keep my composure. I found out for sure yesterday and when I tried to tell him last night, I just broke down." Sarah paused and looked at Ellie in the eyes, showing her how much this really hurt. "I'm scared."

"You should tell him though. You know you can. It's Chuck, and all he wants to do is love you." Ellie spoke truth. Sarah knew it, but she still held her doubts. How could she tell him, just how?

"But how? I can barely grasp the words, let alone vocalizing them."

"Sarah, you seem very good with words. I'm sure that you can figure something out." Ellie was right, again. She had always been able to deliver hard words to people, it was part of her job. She could kill a man, she could grab danger by the horns, she could sneak into buildings going unnoticed, so for sure she could find a way to tell Chuck two little words.

But yet, she still doubted herself.

"There's no better time than the present." Ellie reminded her.

"Right now?"

"Why not?" Ellie giggled, breaking some of the tension that loomed in the room.

Sarah felt the release of the tension and felt a bit better about the situation. She thought that maybe, just maybe, things were looking up.

Her hands shook as she picked up the phone and dialed his number, and once she heard his voice through the speaker in the phone, her shaking subsided.

Even through this period of uneasiness and desperation, Chuck's simple caring question of "How are you? Are you doing okay?" seemed to calm her nerves even with what she was going to do soon.

Chuck agreed to take off work and come over to Ellie's apartment right away.

The second she hung up, the shaking and fear hit her, overwhelming her nerves and emotions. The weight of the burden made her knees go weak, and Ellie gingerly set her back down on the couch.

For Sarah, it felt like an eternity for Chuck to arrive, but once he did, she wished he never had. Ellie squeezed her hand, trying to give her all of her strength, and got up to hug her brother.

"I'll be in my room if you two need me."

"I need you." Sarah whispered as Ellie walked past.

One last reassurance and she left the two to be. "You'll do fine." She had said.

Now, Chuck and Sarah were sitting on opposite sides of the couch, with Sarah twiddling her thumbs and Chuck starring at her hands.

Chuck was, once again, the one to break the awkward silence. "So, what did you want to talk about?"

"Uh... About last night. I don't usually get that way and I-"

"Hey," Chuck softly replied as he took her hands in his. "Don't worry about it, alright? I just want you to know that I'm here and ready to talk about it whenever you are."

Sarah stared at their conjoined hands, his thumb tracing circles into her palm. "That's what I want to talk to you about," Sarah looked up into his eyes and he gave her a nod of approval to keep on talking. "I'm pregnant." She whispered as her blurry gaze returned to their hands.

Realizing how hard Sarah had taken this, Chuck decided it'd be best if he didn't get overly excited and just comforted her instead.

"That's wonderful." He replied, smiling. Chuck was genuinely happy, but was too concerned about Sarah to channel his own emotions.

Sarah shook her head. "No, it's not. What are we going to do?"

Chuck got her drift and knew hat she was referring to her job and his role in it. "We'll work through it. It hasn't stopped us so far, so why let it stop us now?"

"They won't allow it. This is going way beyond the point of breaking the rules."

"Sarah, we're going to figure it out together, okay?"

Through her tears, Sarah nodded, trusting in him to help her out. Through her silent tears and closed eyes, Sarah felt the radiating heat and love from his body as he engulfed her in his arms. Once the tears subsided, she returned the hug.

"Are you happy?" She questioned as she looked at him.

A small grin played on his lips. "I'm very," he replied. "Very excited." He took a quick pause to study her reaction before asking her how she felt. "You?"

"I'm worried." Again, Sarah was being open and truthful. In her mind, she didn't quite know what was happening, but it didn't greatly surprise her when she came up with the idea of it being because of the random emotions from pregnancy. But whatever it was, she was happy for it. Without the indiscriminate force of truth, and a little intervention from Ellie, her secret would still be bottled up inside, ripping her away bit by bit.

"About what?"

"About," she whispered. "The job. Being a good mother."

"Don't worry about it. You're going to make a great mother."

"You really think so?"

"Of course, I mean, I know so. Sarah, you may be a killer, but I've seen the softer side of the hard-headed fighter Sarah that I know and love, and I love that side just as much as the other." Chuck's comment made her grin through her nervousness, lifting her sprits the slightest bit.

Now, having told Chuck, an even greater weight was lifted from her.

In the beginning, when Sarah first found out, she was terrified. When she saw Chuck right after she found out, all of her emotions of trepidation, worry, depression and even confusion overwhelmed her. Her overflow of emotions had left her with a loss of words, but an abundance of vulnerability. Now having talked it out with someone and having told Chuck, she felt much better; the talking being the key form of her therapy for this situation. Her fear and worry had decreased, taking most of the depression and confusion along with it.

Finding herself at another troublesome moment of having the incapability of talking to thank Chuck for being there, she took her head out from the crook of his neck and gently, but passionately, placed her soft lips on his. He responded, running his hands through her hair, stroking her back.

A small moan escaped from her lips as Chuck slowly removed his mouth from hers. He placed his forehead on hers, both of them soaking in each others presence, each others warmth and love.

Their moment made Sarah realized that word weren't _always _needed, sometimes action was the better card to play.

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**Author's Note:** So, I apologize. This chapter is a lot more dialogue verses emotion and description and feeling and all that other stuff that I had a lot more in the previous chapters. So yes. It's... I have no idea how to describe it. But it isn't one of my strongest chapters. I struggled with having no idea how to write this. But I hope you like it likewise... Adios!


	4. Chapter 3: Driven to Tears

**Author's Note:** Well, here's another chapter. Tell me if you think if it's good/okay/bad/amazing/ehhh... I just want to know because I'm not sure that it's fitting in with all the rest, so I either need some assurance that it is or some comment that it isn't and maybe some advice to make it fit in if it isn't.  
Oh, and I do use a certain curse-word a number of times towards the beginning. (I don't usually curse, but it fit and emphasized the anger and frustration between the characters)  
Oh, one more thing! The title of this chapter happens to be a song name. _Driven to Tears_ by The Police. I love The Police!  
**Disclaimer: **So, I still don't own anything more than a pair of converse such as Chuck's and well... that's really it. I also still make no money profit, although the reviews/praise is all I need!

Now, without further adieu, here is my latest installment. Bam!

Chapter Three: Driven to Tears

It was May 3rd, and Sarah was nearing the end of her first trimester. She was due November 17th and her outlook on the event was shaping up.

After she had told Chuck and he had reassured her for the millionth time that everything would be fine, she had started getting excited. The fact that there was a tiny little life, nearly three inches now, fascinated her. When she was two months pregnant, she carried a kidney bean in her pocket or purse at all times, reminding her the approximate size of her baby.

Chuck, being the total nerd that he was, signed up for some week-by-week website to show them what the baby looked like, what was forming. Sarah was hoping that in 14 days, the end of her first trimester, that the annoying morning sickness would disperse. Luckily, it wasn't all that bad, but from time to time she had a hard time holding it in during morning briefings.

Seeing as it was Saturday, Chuck and Sarah decided to take the day off to do some shopping. Chuck was treating Sarah by taking her shopping to get herself some new clothes so that she could be less uncomfortable. Sarah had never really liked malls, they were like missions; she always had to be aware of her surroundings and being in a crowded mall on a Saturday was difficult to do so.

Now, actually being at the mall, Sarah was really enjoying herself. Towards the beginning of the shopping trip, it was fun, even though she got a little frustrated about having to go up a size in jeans. After a few more stores, the frustration harvested and transitioned into more of an overwhelming anger.

When Sarah hadn't come out of the dressing room after going in with two pairs of pants and a top for nearly twenty minutes, Chuck knew something was up. Inconspicuously, Chuck snuck into the women's dressing room, feeling very spy-like, and looked for her room. Once he found a pair of shoes that were Sarah's he knocked and walked in.

His eyes flew over Sarah's body leaning on the wall face first.

"It's okay Sarah." he said as he pushed her up from the wall to look him in the face.

"I know. I don't know what's wrong."

"Don't worry about it. Why don't we go get a pretzel or something?"

"Okay." Sarah put her clothes back on, with a little help from Chuck, and they ended their trip on a happier note.

As they were walking out of the mall, they saw a little baby in a stroller playing with his blanket. It warmed both of their hearts to know that something like that would be coming to them in a mater of time.

Chuck's fingers entwined with hers as they both smiled. "You know I love you, right?"

Sarah squeezed his hand and leaned into him. "I love you too."

Still, even after she had said it multiple times, it made Chuck do back flips on the inside.

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"Shit, just shit." Casey said under his breath as he saw the two from his car. He had unwillingly been assigned to do surveillance on the two and he had seen plenty to fuel Beckham and Graham's fire. Hesitantly, he dialed their numbers, giving them the same message.

"Relations are affirmed. It's a situation."

_Yup,_ he thought. _The shit is about to hit the fan._

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Later that same night, Casey's prediction had come true.

Sarah and Chuck had just settled in for the night when her cell phone rang. When she looked at the screen, she saw Casey's number and became annoyed.

"Now?" She answered, skipping the pleasantries.

"Yes now." Casey replied, not bothering to care about the unpleasant timing.

"We'll be right over."

"No, Bartowski stays there."

"Fine." Sarah replied and hung up the phone. Chuck protested her getting out of bed and tried to keep her in, but she told him that she'd be 'in deep shit' for not going, her unhappiness being bluntly inserted. Reluctantly, he let her go and he went back to sleep.

Sarah arrived at Casey's apartment no more than 15 minutes after his call dressed in one of the shirts that Chuck had bought her earlier that day.

"Agent Walker, Agent Casey." Graham greeted as the teleconference begun.

"Casey, if you wouldn't mind excusing us for a bit? We need to talk to Agent Walker alone."

"Yes ma'am." Casey jogged up the stairs, leaving the three to be.

Graham got right to the reason why she was there. "Agent Walker, we've been informed that you and Chuck are dating outside the cover."

"Is this true?" Beckham grilled.

"Yes." She announced. _Oh shit! Did I just say that out loud? _She inwardly asked herself. She started praying that what she had just said was a dream, only for her hopes to be crashed by Beckham's next words.

"Excuse me?" Beckham asked in disbelief, not expecting Sarah to affirm the accusations.

_Yup, I officially hate being pregnant. _She inwardly said.

Sarah was talking without thinking, but she was on a truth streak that couldn't be stopped despite the sickening feeling in her stomach and the weakness flowing through her body. "You see ma'am, Chuck and I do have a relationship, a very serious one at that."

"I should help her." Casey pondered as he sat on the stairs, listening in on the conference. "Or, I should get popcorn. I'm gonna go with the popcorn."

"You see," Sarah continued ranting. "I'm pregnant and I'm not going to let you take me and my child away from Chuck." Sarah took a quick pause and rested her hand on her slightly bulging stomach. "I won't have it."

The superiors paused for a moment, taking in all of the sudden news, thinking of what to do. "Agent Walker, you are to terminate the pregnancy and return to DC by 15:00 this time next week. There we will discuss your new assignment and the consequences of your actions." The TV turned off, ingraining two angry people's faces into Sarah's mind.

"Casey, you're a dead man!" Sarah yelled as she slammed the door of his apartment and ran out to her car crying.

Sarah was lost. One minute she was standing her ground, the next, she was backing up, breaking down and losing the fight. Of course, she knew that right now was nothing compared to what would happen in the near future; it was the calm before the storm.

To avoid the said storm, dealing with Chuck and going to a doctor, She didn't go home to Chuck. Instead, she drove around in the wee hours of the night, eventually stopping at the beach.

She took off her shoes and walked on the beach, contemplating the day's events.

Her day had started out as usual--puking on the cold tile floor and had transitioned into a spirit-lifting time with Chuck. Even through the frustration of shopping, she enjoyed her time. She then went over the teleconference with the superiors and she mentally slapped herself for admitting all that. She could have just denied, well, no, she couldn't have. But she continued to believe that she could have.

Her mind traveled back to their first "date" as she somewhat peacefully sat in the same spot as Chuck on that first night.

He was this quirky geek, or nerd as they preferred to be called, that she had never imagined to capture her heart as he had. All on the same night, he had faced death a matter of times, disarming a bomb, escaping the car chase and not getting shot by Casey.

She mentally laughed at the irony of that being _his _own personal calm before the storm.

For him, the action and sticky situations got worse from that point on and Sarah had no doubt that she would experience the same thing emotionally.

The beach, the waves crashing on the shore, the feeling of sand in-between her toes were all things that their baby wouldn't be able to experience. It broke her heart to know that this baby's life had to end before he or she could even have the chance to experience these small sensations.

She continued to sit there, holding her stomach crying. A rather large gust of wind blew the hair into her wet face, the hair sticking to her dampened cheeks. Forcefully, she gathered a handful of sand and threw it into the wind, only to have it blow back into her face as she screamed.

Now not only was she going to lose her child, but she was going to lose Chuck. Chuck, her one and only love, the first love she had ever had. The worst part was that she couldn't leave the CIA for him, she just couldn't do it. She had made an oath to basically give up her life and chance to have much of a life when she joined the CIA. When she joined, she never thought that she'd find herself in a position like the current, pursuing her to choose between the job or love.

As much as she loved Chuck and wanted to stay with him forever, she just couldn't get herself to pick up and leave the CIA like that. Staying behind with Chuck would remind her of getting an abortion, killing a completely innocent life that couldn't stick up for himself, making it painful to breathe every single day. Staying with the CIA might tear her away from Chuck, but it would provide her with a distraction and a way to resolve her anger.

The whole night she sat there crying over he losses, disregarding her "gains."

When Chuck found her early that morning, just after sunrise, she was still crying. Chuck had immediately known what had happened. The only thing that could have happened to make her act as she had was that they had found out.

Chuck had gathered her shoes and helped Sarah up from the ground-- the beginnings of first step into the storm, Sarah just hadn't realized it yet.


	5. Chapter 4: Can't Stand Losing You

Chapter Four: Can't Stand Losing You

"She's leaving. She's seriously leaving." Chuck said to himself as he stood in the shower.

He had found her at the beach crying earlier that morning and by the time they had gotten home, the story was finished. Sarah had ended up crying the whole way home, Chuck crying a little himself. Once she had finished, Chuck announced that he needed a little time alone and chose to take a shower.

His array of emotions were stinging in his eyes and his cheeks from the hot tears he had been shedding. The hot water from the shower mixed with his tears, trying to hide them-- to take them away.

He wanted Sarah to stay, he wanted her to stay forever. What he didn't want was for her to get the abortion for as much of her emotional needs as the fact that she was killing an innocent life.

There was simply only one way he could get her to stay, and it was a long shot, but so was their relationship, and he was going to go for it.

While Chuck was in the shower, Sarah tried to sleep but was pained with the agony of terrible stomach cramps that she hadn't bothered to pay too much attention to earlier seeing as they weren't nearly as bad.

She tried everything to get rid of them. She laid on her stomach, rolled on her side and rolled herself into a ball, but nothing helped. She knew that medicine was out of the picture which frustrated her more knowing that she was going to simply wait them out.

"You know Sarah, I was thinking we should get mar-" Chuck walked out of the shower in a pair of jeans and saw her pained face, interrupting his train of thought. He quickly crossed the room to her bed to help.

"What's wrong?" He asked as he massaged her shoulders.

"I have a really bad stomach ache."

"What do you think is wrong?"

Sarah turned around to see Chuck kneeling with a concerned look on his face and yelled at him. "I don't know!"

"Okay, okay. Why don't you try using the bathroom or something." Sarah got up and headed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

Immediately, she noticed something way out of place. She was bleeding out and that is _not _supposed to be happening when you're pregnant. She seemed to be getting worse and worse the longer she stood there and rapidly came to the conclusion as to what was happening before her very eyes.

"Nooo!" She screamed as she fell to the floor and sobbed. "Nooo! No, no, no, no, no!"

Chuck bolted into the bathroom out of breath and almost fainted at the sight. As he scanned her body, he saw the displaced blood and Sarah's pale, balled up body on the floor sobbing.

"What's wrong? Are you okay?" He asked, not particularly expecting an answer. He reevaluated her state and concluded the reason for her status and the stained blood on her pants.

"Oh my God." He whispered. "Oh my God." He felt his body go limp as he scrambled to get her in his arms, praying it was just a really bad dream.

With the unpropitious incident, Sarah felt as if she had no reason to live any longer. There was no way that after what had happened, how much blood was there, that the baby was still alive. Her life, her heart, was broken to a point that seemed way beyond prepare.

Chuck was devastated. He knew that he would have time to fully grieve later but right now Sarah needed him more than she ever had. Beyond his strive to help Sarah, he couldn't help but cry at the loss even with being intensely focused on the destitute body named Sarah crumpled in his arms.

Through his weakness, he found a way to hold on to her as tight as he could and even tighter as the sobs wracked her body harder and harder.

They stayed on the floor for hours mourning and breaking.

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Ellie stopped by after not hearing from Chuck or Sarah after the many times she had called. She arrived at their apartment and knocked many times before barging in seeing as the door was unlocked. She looked around, searching for the two when she heard muffled sobbing from vicinity of the bathroom.

Slowly, she pushed open the door and was taken back by the scene taking place before her. She saw Chuck crying, holding an even more torn up Sarah who was having some trouble, so it seemed, with her pants oddly enough.

Ellie kneeled on the floor facing the two. "What happened?" She asked with much concern and sensibility. It seemed like such a cliche question at a time like this, but with Ellie and Chuck, it was always sincere and genuine.

Chuck hiccuped from crying and looked up at his sister. His eyes were bloodshot red and his face was red with snot rolling down from his nostrils. He looked like a wreck, which was expected, and it concerned the older sister even more.

"The baby. He's gone." Chuck hiccuped again, his body's way of attempting to recover from the crying.

"Oh my God. Are you... Are _you _doing alright?"

"I'll get there. But..." Chuck looked down at Sarah, his expression going from upset to borderline hopeless. "I'm not so sure about her."

"Why don't you go get her some water and let me take a look at her." Chuck reluctantly obeyed his sister, leaving Sarah under Ellie's care.

"Sarah, it's Ellie. I need to take a look, okay?" Sarah barely nodded her head and Ellie made sure everything was physically okay. "Sarah, you did have a miscarriage, but you're not hemorrhaging, so you're going to be physically okay."

Sarah took her head from her knees, revealing her messy face. Sarah's was worse than Chuck's; her eyes didn't have a speck of white, the blue had thoroughly turned to gray and her cheeks were bright red and on fire to the touch.

"I-I..." She tried, but soon failed and went back to the core-shaking sobs.

"Oh sweetie." Ellie soothed as Sarah held tight onto her. Chuck came back into the room, looking a little better himself, with the water for Sarah.

"Is she okay, physically?"

"Yes, she's fine. It may continue on for a little bit, but she'll be okay." Ellie took one arm from Sarah and extended it up towards Chuck. "How are you?"

"I'm-I'm okay. I'm just really worried for her."

Ellie hugged Chuck as he sat back down, his head leaning on her shoulder. "I know."

Chuck exhaled the air from his lungs as he watched the one he loved more than anything cry, feeling helpless. He felt as if he should be able to do so much more for her, fix the whole thing for her, but he couldn't, no matter how hard he would try.

"Come on Sarah, why don't we get you into bed." Ellie and Chuck both helped her up, holding all of her weight and took her to the bed. They tucked her into the blankets and helped wipe her nose.

Ellie sat close to her on the edge of the bed and Chuck laid on the opposite side, wiping the warm tears from her eyes.

"Shhhh..." He repeated over and over.

It was his turn to be the strong protector protecting the vulnerable one, the two switching roles. Sarah was always the one who was protecting Chuck, making sure he was okay, but now in Sarah's weak moment, Chuck was to take her under his wings and return the favor.

Even through his own sorrow and pain, he was the one to take care of her. All he wanted to do was to stand up with her to help her through it all. He was going to fill up her heart with his love in attempt to make it overflow, washing away all her sadness.

He needed to be there so he could revive her smile that brought tears of joy to his eyes, replacing her pain which breaks his heart. The reparations that had been worked on over time were peeling away with every tear that ran down her face.

Her heart's damage was worse than Chucks. All the walls that had been torn down by Chuck had been built back up. All of the joy that had been restored after many years too many of being extinct had left once more. There was nothing more to her heart now that it had been smashed and discarded by the event, and it took Sarah with it.

The fact that Sarah had to go through that was unfair and brutal. Her life had immensely changed and was still raw from all of the changes going on. She had begun letting people, mainly Chuck, in and letting them make a difference in her only to have it torn away from her months later. The months of her transformation had been useless now that it was all gone along with her child.

Sarah buried her face into his hands as she cried herself to sleep.

"She'll be okay." Ellie reassured as Chuck held onto her. "But she needs you more than ever right now. She won't be able to do this alone, despite what she claims."

"You really think," He asked. "that we can get through this? Start over new?"

"It'll take some time, but I'm sure she'll get better." Ellie turned off the lamp on the nightstand, leaving the grieving couple to be as she stepped out of the room.

She couldn't possibly know what it was like for Sarah to be going through what she was going through, but she did know that for one thing, it had to be hard. Ellie knew that if it was her in Sarah's place, she would have a really hard time going on afterwards, but she knew that Sarah was in good hands with her brother around taking care of her.

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**Author's Note: **I know that I'm not completely medically accurate, and that some of the medical stuff may be a little 1. wrong and 2. over exaggerating, but I'm no expert or anything, so sorry!


	6. Chapter 5: Her Guardian Angel

Chapter Five: Her Guardian Angel

Sarah couldn't stand living any longer knowing that her child was gone. She couldn't stand the fact that she had lost him or her. The loss of her baby was completely out of her control and that terrified her.

With the sudden unexpected loss of her baby, she couldn't prepare herself emotionally, but with having an abortion, she could have at least begun preparing herself for it all.

The rain certainly wasn't helping her state as she walked around the deserted park. The gloomy gray colors of the sky matched her mood. The rain falling from the clouds matching her tears.

Chuck and Ellie had both tried to end Sarah's personal rain, to help recover her heart, but it had yet to stick. It had been 34 long and painful hours since Sarah had walked into that bathroom, falling apart, and things had barely improved.

She wasn't acting like her normal self. She wasn't standing up straight, she was slouching. She wasn't blocking all her emotions from other people--she was letting them play themselves out.

Some women in her situation took things with less of an impact, but Sarah went down in flames--she certainly wasn't taking it lightly.

Her eyes served as an open door to the storehouse of all her emotions. On the inside, she was dead besides for the boiling pot of emotions overflowing into her body. On the outside, she was pale and lifeless--a walking corpse.

The rain wet her hair, her clothes, her body, making her appear as if she didn't have a care in the world--which she didn't.

A large truck sped by on the nearby street, making a ruckus that distracted her from her somber thoughts.

She noticed the loud music booming through the speakers and the assumed presence of alcohol and beaded necklaces. It was after all Cinco de Mayo and while the rest of the world was out partying with each other, getting especially drunk, Sarah was alone in a park with her own large bottle of vodka to wipe away her senses, her feelings.

She kept trying to push the truth out of her head that kept reminding her of what had happened, but without the generous amount of the alcohol she had consumed, none of that would happen.

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When Casey had got the call form Chuck, he recognized the lack of light that normally radiated from his voice. Instead, his voice was filled with hurt, anger and mostly loss.

Chuck scarcely told Casey of the happenings, showing that he was pissed at Casey that that he would pay.

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Ellie had stayed back at the apartment with Chuck after Sarah had convinced them she'd be fine, she just needed some air.

They hadn't noticed the lack of Sarah's gun or the cash that she had brought with her.

They were left in the darkness that loomed in the apartment, happiness being discarded the moment Chuck and Sarah entered the apartment the day before.

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Sarah was quickly getting worse and worse with the more she drank. The thoughts of loss had almost fully left her mind, being replaced with motions of suicide and depression.

She couldn't come up with one plausible reason as to why she should stay on earth--Chuck wasn't even a good enough reason. The CIA was worthless to her now. Distraction or not, this was not something Sarah could see herself rising above. She was done, with being upset, with crying, with being weak and most of all, her life as a whole.

Making sure no one was in the immediate area, Sarah pulled her gun from the waistband of her pants and took the safety off.

She took one last look around, wanting to make one last memory of what the world looked like on her last day.

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Ellie watched as Chuck's stature changed and knew something wasn't right.

"What's wrong?"

"I don't know. I just have a feeling that something bad is about to happen to Sarah."

"Like what?"

"I don't know, but I've got to find her." _To stop her_, he thought as he pulled a coat out of the hall closet. "Where did she say she was going?" He called from over his shoulder.

"The park?" Ellie answered, uncertain as to what Sarah had said.

"Thanks!" Chuck ran out of the building and raced around the corner. He ran six blocks to the park, picking up speed as he got closer and closer.

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Sarah looked down the barrel of her own gun, taking control and facing death straight on when a picture flashed in her mind.

It was a memory of her and Chuck the day that she was completely certain that she had fallen for him. They were sitting in Weinerlicious and Chuck had just told her a funny joke. In response, she rewarded him with an ear-to-ear smile, which lit up his face with an identically bright beam of light.

They were so happy then--so without pain and despair. There was no chance to revive what they had been.

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He arrived at the park, spinning in circles in search for her. His breath was sketchy, his body wet. His eyes fell on a small black figure on the other side of the park, looking at something in their hands. He knew it was Sarah and didn't doubt for a second that she was holding was a gun.

He sprinted through the grass to her, the mud from the wet ground plastering itself on the back of his legs, praying that he could stop her in time.

"Sarah!" He yelled over the loud rain.

She heard his eerie voice, believing that it was her imagination.

"Sarah! Don't do it!" Chuck's voice sounded again. "Sarah." He remarked as he reached the bench.

Looking down, she saw a pair of muddy black converse that she knew so well. Slowly, she craned her neck to see the face that connected the voice that the alcohol led her to believe was surreal.

"You're not real." She denied as she turned back to the gun in her hands.

"Sarah, I'm real."

"No you're not. You're a hallucination."

"No Sarah, I'm right here." Chuck reached out and grabbed her forearm, his touch denying her original thoughts.

"Sarah, please don't do this."

She turned her dead gaze back to his pleading eyes, debating what to do, what to say. She could continue on with it, or she could let him in to help her. The alcohol chose the first.

"No. There's no reason for me to be here anymore. You can't still love me now that our-our baby is gone. There's no where left for me here."

"Sarah, I love you and with you I feel greater than I could have ever known without you. You Sarah, _you _are the one that I love more than anything. You will _always_ have a place here with me. I could never stop loving you, ever. Baby or not, I love you more than anything and without you I don't know what I'd do.

So please, Sarah, _please _don't do this."

She looked from his face to her gun, her shaking hands making the decision for her. She let go of the grip on the gun and watched it fall with the rain, luckily not going off.

Chuck bent down, wrapping her in his arms, rocking her back and forth. "It's okay Sarah, it's going to be okay."


	7. Chapter 6: Questions and Departures

**Author's note: **I apologize greatly for the long and extensive delay. I had to get my AP testing out of the way before I could take up writing again, and even then I had a great amount of writer's block. It sucked.  
And with that, here is the new chapter which I'm not 100 percent happy with, but I live! Enjoy and review!

Chapter Six: Questions and Departures

He tried to get her to talk to him, but she dangerously kept to herself. He tried to get her to eat, even a slice of cheese, but she consecutively lied saying that she had already eaten or was full.

She had less that two days before she left for good and things weren't getting any better. Not only had she stopped talking, smiling and laughing, but she had also stopped eating.

She had quickly lost the little weight gained from the pregnancy and it was getting worse by the day. Seeing as she had already been blessed with such a small figure, and now losing the weight from the loss of food, she consisted of a skeleton covered in a thin layer of skin--the bones being visible in some places.

Chuck had found her multiple times passed out in the bathroom or shower. Ellie knew and informed Sarah of the medical risks in her abstemious behavior, but Sarah ignored Ellie's efforts of help, closing herself in.

Right after her period of weakness, Sarah built her walls back up, not allowing any emotions to be shared. Her walls were more guarded than the Berlin Blockade--hers were layered in steel, brick and cement.

Whenever Chuck asked her how she was doing, she gave him a heartless response. He tried to re-brake through her walls, but never got back through. All he could do was look for the cracks that had to be there. There was one thing she still hung onto, even in supposed secret; Chuck

He knew she couldn't have completely lost all emotional feelings she had, even if she was trained to get rid of them. He had to bring back the old Sarah before she left. If not for her and her own welfare and memories, than for his. He didn't want his last memory to be of Sarah leaving still depressed and bitter.

Seeing as they had been living together, even now with their cover story for her abrupt departure set in stone, Sarah allowed Chuck to stay with her; it was one of his only signals that let him know she still loved him.

In the middle of the night, Sarah would always be nestled into the side of his body. Most of the night, she'd be awake, assuming Chuck was asleep, taking in every last curve of his chest and breath that he took. Although, Chuck often was faking it as she wrapped her arms around his torso, fighting the urge to show his lie.

Only after she had secured him in her arms, their bodies as close together as possible, would she allow herself to fall into a short sleep.

From time to time, Sarah's dreams were haunted with helplessness and torture. Often times, she was subconsciously dreaming about the day she lost her baby, reliving it frame by frame. Other nights, she dreamt herself into a position where she was to be killed but no one knew of her whereabouts and she couldn't defend herself. Rarely, Chuck would be in that position instead of her.

The dreams shook her to the core and many times she woke up in search of Chuck' warm and welcoming body.

He knew through these small gestures that he could get her back; He'd just have to dig real deep.

To say the least, sleeping for Sarah was unsatisfactory and difficult.

It wasn't until their last night together that Chuck reveled himself as not being asleep. Sarah had pressed her mostly smooth and bare legs into his, her arms wrapped around his waist. He, in response, put one hand on her lower back, pushing her even closer, and one hand took the role of smoothing her hair.

Noticing his change, Sarah lifted her head from his chest and was met by his open eyes.

"I'm sorry I woke you." She whispered through the darkness.

"Sarah," he said. "Please don't go."

"I have to."

"No,"he whispered."You don't."

"Chuck," she replied, stoically. "I haven't a choice, You know that."

"I can take much better care of you than the CIA ever will."

"I just can't, okay?" she replied, short fused.

"Sarah, you're not eating, you're barely sleeping and you're not happy."

"So,"

"So, I can help you, you just have to let me."

"No." She slipped out of his embrace, scooting to the other side, her side, of the bed. She had been exposed. Her weaknesses had resurfaced, but she wasn't at all willing to show them, to let them be seen.

Chuck had been graced with one of Sarah's cracks in her wonderfully constructed wall.

He knew that through their last day, he had to use his leverage- her crack- to get her to stay.

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Chuck had gone with Sarah to say her goodbyes praying that the realization that Sarah would be leaving all of these people would crack the wall even more.

Ellie had started crying, telling Sarah to call her whenever, Awesome wrapped her in an awesome hug, Morgan gave her a copy of COD4 and Casey had given her a few kind words about their partnership together, not forgetting to throw in one last smart ass remark about Bartowski.

Emotionally, Sarah was barely touched instead letting every one's emotions and goodbyes brush over her.

Chuck planned to take her to the beach one last time before she left, not knowing if she'd get to enjoy one any times soon, still trying to win her over.

At first, they walked across the sand barefooted and silent. With Sarah still not responding to any physical touch, Chuck kept to himself for the most part. Hoping that she'd accept it, he reached his hand out to her and, as wished, she took it with a small smile.

"Sarah," he said as he squeezed her fingers. "You know I'm going to miss you, right?"

"Mmhmm." She replied, staring straight ahead of her. Chuck led her to the ground, sitting in their spot. Sarah's hand remained in his and she even leaned into the side of his body, opening up even the slightest bit.

"SI know, but, don't you even want to stay?"

Sarah paused and broke their eye contact. "I...I don't know anymore."

"Sarah, marry me." Chuck winced in the fear of her reaction to his impromptu preposition.

Chuck shook and hung his head with her lack of response. "No, it's okay. Don't answer that. It was just a stupid question anyways."

"Chuck," She pled, trying to pull through to him.

"Nah, it's okay." Chuck glanced at his watch, one that Sarah gave to him so she could always know his whereabouts. "We should get going if you're going to make your flight."

Their goodbyes were subtle, the opposite of heartfelt and... plain out awkward.

Chuck wrapped her in a long and warm hug, only to pull back, resting his warm hands on her forearms. "So. I guess this is goodbye?" For good?"

"Yup."

"Well," he said. "If you're ever in town, stop by sometime."

"Okay."

"Well," he sighed and wrapped his arms around her. "Goodbye."

"Bye." She replied and walked away, not even looking back. If she were to look back, she'd want to stay and be happy, despite what had happened in the previous weeks.

With every step she took to the terminal and past, she shed away more and more of Sarah Walker.


	8. Chapter 7: Musical Revelations

**Author's note, Important:** Okay, so I decided to try something new. There was this one song that I _really_ wanted to include in this story, but I thought that it would be too empty with just that one song. So I added more. So bare with me as I experiment. I'm not sure how if it worked out perfectly, but I hope you enjoy it! Please, feedback is helpful and overly welcome!  
**Bold Faced** words are song lyrics.  
_Italicized _words, only in the very beginning, are the contents of Chuck's note. After that they're just for emphasis.  
Normal Words, like these, are thought and dialogue and happenings, as usual.  
That's just a big important FYI to make things a little less... confusing I hope?  
And Yes, I do know that it's about 2,402 words long. I didn't mean to make it so long, but it just... happened!?  
**Major Disclaimers:** **1**. I don't own Chuck or anything affiliated with it. Unfortunately. **2.** I don't own any of the songs used in this chapter. (These words - Natasha Bedingfield, You Could be Happy - Snow Patrol, Don't Stop Believin' - Journey, All You Need is Love - The Beatles, Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - The Police, Fix You - Cold Play, Heal Over - KT Tunstall, Your Guardian Angel - Red Jumpsuit Apparatus) So don't sue!  
Okay, I'm done. But please Review! Thanks!

Chapter Seven: Musical Revelations

**These words are my own  
From my heart flow  
I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you**

The words hung in Sarah's mind as the song came to an end. She hadn't noticed it, but while Chuck was hugging her, he slipped an iPOD into her pocket along with a note that read:

_Sarah (The name that I'll always refer to you as),_

_Over the last few days, I've filled this iPOD up with some songs you'll hopefully enjoy. There's a few playlists on there that involve some special instruction. _

_For the playlist titled 'Chuck:' This is just some of my personal favorites._

_For the playlist titled 'Bad to good:' This is designed to cheer you up on rough days. If you're having a crappy or horrible day, turn this on and it'll make you much happier, trust me._

_For the playlist titled 'Sarah:' This playlist consists of songs that remind me of you. More specifically, our relationship and sorta how I feel. I suggest you only listen to it when you feel it's right._

_I'm going to miss you so much Sarah._

_Love, Chuck._

When Sarah first red the note, she softened up. Even without Chuck being present, his small gestures and presents made her feel fairly warm and love, even safe.

**You could be happy and I won't know  
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go  
And all the things that I wished I had not said**

**I should have stopped you from walking out the door  
You could be happy, I hope you are  
You made me happier than I'd been by far**

Images of her last week with Chuck flooded through her head. Everything the song said seemed to ironically fit. He didn't know if she was happy for leaving. He'd tried to to get her to stay. He'd said things that he regretted, like passively asking her to marry him.

Her eyes couldn't help but to produce an extensive amount of water, tears, to flow down onto her cheeks. The song had made her sad in the realization of how Chuck felt about her departure, but once that song was over, one of her personal favorites came through the headphones.

**Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world  
She took the midnight train goin' anywhere  
Just a city boy, born and raised in South Detroit  
He took the midnight train goin' anywhere**

Sarah laughed as she looked out the window of the plane, at the lyrics. Sarah, who had been raised in a smaller town of Bethel, Maine, had met Chuck, the only man she'd ever ended up loving, in a Buymore of all places under an interesting circumstance. Chuck, on the other hand, had been raised in the busy and largely populated LA.

**There's nothing you can do that can't be done.  
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.  
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game  
It's easy.  
All you need is love, all you need is love,  
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.**

Seeing these songs hit so close to home scared Sarah. He knew her too well and that was something that was risky for an agent. Now, Sarah was an agent. She wasn't a person, who had feelings and emotions. She wasn't a woman who could let a man love her. She was an agent; someone who had to keep to herself in fear of being put in danger.

He was trying to prove his point when he said that he could take better care of her than the CIA ever could; all she needed was love, his love.

She seriously considered turning off the iPOD, conveniently "losing it" in a trash can, but she couldn't get herself to let go of it all quite yet. He'd probably spent a lot of time thinking it all out over and over again, and it was her last thing of him that she could hold on to.

**Though I've tried before to tell her  
Of the feelings I have for her in my heart  
Every time that I come near her  
I just lose my nerve  
As I've done from the start  
Every little thing she does is magic**

Sarah smiled again, joy beginning to fill her up. Chuck was calling her magic. It amazed her that he found perfect songs that hit the spot so well whether it was complimenting her or telling her a piece of his side.

**And the tears come streaming down your face  
When you lose something you cannot replace  
When you love someone but it goes to waste  
Could it be worse?  
Lights will guide you home  
And ignite your bones  
And I will try to fix you**

It was true, again; Chuck had tried to fix everything that was wrong with her, but she wouldn't let him. She had shut herself down and kept people, even him, out.

As she hated to see something wrong with him, she was certain, especially with what the song had said, that he hated even more to see her broken. Broken was exactly what she was. Inside her walls and barriers, Sarah was completely and utterly broken, and to make it worse she was unwilling to let Chuck fix her, even now.

Unfortunately, even though she wouldn't let him help, or let him in, she was too in love with him, still, to let him go. Just through the portion of the plane ride she had gone through, her bitter attitude of loss had slowly started to fade. Now, she simply missed the man she loved and was filled with guilt because of the way she acted their last few days together.

**Come over here lady  
Let me wipe your tears away  
Come a little nearer baby  
Cause you'll heal over  
Heal over  
Heal over someday**

Sarah again realized how much she missed him, specifically being in his arms. His arms were one of her last existing sources of comfort--a comfort that she could no longer indulge in.

If she had just stayed in his arms, forever, she could have healed. He could have picked up her broken pieces and completed the puzzle to make her and her heart whole again, but she wouldn't go to him. Not then, and not now; she couldn't.

Even with all the emotions that came along with the songs he had hand picked for her to hear, the emotional barrier didn't completely break until she listened to one specific song.

**When I see your smile  
Tears roll down my face  
I can't replace**

Sarah let out a small grin through her own tears, knowing how much _his _smiles had actually meant to _her._

**And now that I'm strong I have figured out  
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul  
And I know I'll find deep inside me, I can be the one**

Before, she had no doubt that he was the one, but she knew that what she was doing was right, well, she continued to tell herself that. If she still looked hard enough, she could still see that little dream of their future life together, even if she now knew she could never have that life.

**I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**

Sarah's tears descended into small sobs. The four lines' had real truth behind them, a truth that left her with a pang in her stomach of worsened and deepened guilt.

**Its ok, Its ok, Its ok**

The song may say that it was okay, but it wasn't.

For the first time, she thought of what _Chuck _felt about her leaving. Sure, she knew that he really wanted her to stay, forever, but it took a self-check to really know what she was leaving behind--Chuck.

Chuck, who couldn't be happy, who was much more upset about Sarah's departure than Sarah herself. Chuck wanted to always be there for her, but she had crushed him and his desires.

And something about that just wasn't okay.

**Seasons are changing and waves are crashing  
And stars are falling all for us  
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter  
I can show you I'll be the one  
I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**

The second time through the chorus, she had no doubt at all that Chuck had meant every word that the singer was singing.

Chuck would do anything to save her, if she would've just given him the chance.

All he wanted to do was to fix her, to save her, to show her that he could be the one.

But she hadn't allowed it.

**Cause you're my,  
You're my,  
My true love,  
My whole heart**

For Sarah, Chuck was her definition of love, the song showing her even _more _of how much she'd heartlessly disregarded.

**Please don't throw that away  
Cause I'm here, for you  
Please don't walk away and  
Please tell me you'll stay, stay...**

Sarah's visual imagination saw her version of Chuck telling her those words, begging for her to stay, but yet she still walked away, breaking his heart.

**Use me as you will  
Pull my strings just for a thrill  
And I know I'll be okay  
Though my skies are turning gray  
I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**

As stupid as it seemed, Chuck had almost fully revealed his feelings towards her in one simple song, which almost touched Sarah more than anything.

More than their simple lunches together.

More than falling asleep in his safe, warm arms.

More than him saving her from suicide.

The simple lyrics to a song touched her the most which to Sarah was pathetic, but it was like he wrote it himself.

The song was perfect. Sarah was crying, hard, this time mourning a different loss--Chuck.

Of course, she'd always known that all Chuck wanted to do was to love her, but she never fully actualized that he one hundred percent wanted to protect her, to fix her, but through the words of this song, and the others, even without coming straight from his mouth, it touched her and made her accept it even more.

"Excuse me miss, are you okay?" A flight attendant asked as a rather loud whimper escaped from Sarah's wet lips.

"Yes," She claimed as she nodded her head. "I'm fine."

"Oh, okay. Well, if you need anything, just ask." The tall, strawberry blond haired attendant walked away, leaving Sarah to cry in somewhat peace. Sarah turned her attention back to the note when she felt a pair of eyes on her, something that was generally unusual when flying first class.

"Boy trouble?" An elderly woman asked as Sarah turned to face the woman. Sarah didn't answer, instead just nodding her head. "You left him, didn't you?"

"How'd you know?" Sarah questioned. Being an agent, especially one of the best, she shouldn't have been able to be read so easily.

"It shows in your eyes." Her eyes. Sarah had always believed that she was trained well enough to hide her soul from her eyes, but she was mistaken.

"It's a girl thing." The lady replied, speaking as if she was a teenager. "I'm Rose by the way."

"I'm..." Sarah? Emily? It was up to her to choose which name to choose; Her adoptive agent name which had grown so real, or her birth name of Emily. "Sarah." _Chuck's Sarah._

Rose sympathetically nodded. "So, why'd you leave him?"

"I just... I'm not sure anymore. I, we, were expecting, but I had a miscarriage, and I just fell apart. It seemed like the right thing, to leave him, but I just don't know anymore."

"I see. Back in my day, the same thing happened to me."

"Really?" Sarah asked in surprise. This woman, Rose, seemed to have it all together. She seemed like the typical, but cool, grandma that everyone wished they had, yet, she had gone through something similar.

"I was 19 and was newly married to James. He was a wonderful guy and he was really passionate about wanting children. A little over a year and a half after we got married, I gave birth to Ronald. One rather cold December day, I wrapped him up in extra blankets too keep him warm.

I set him on the floor and went off into the kitchen to answer the telephone. When I came back no more than 15 minutes later, my 4 month Ronald wasn't moving or breathing. I was so scared, I called 911, tried CPR, but nothing work. He died December 11th, 1964."

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry."

"It's okay now. But my husband, he seemed to take it even harder than I. I thought that he hated me and that it was better if I left, so three weeks later, I left and went back to live with one of my gals from high school. A few weeks into living there, I realized that I missed James too much, but I just couldn't get myself to go back to him.

I've seen him one time since, and I realized that it was the biggest mistake of my life."

Rose took a short break, slightly winded from all her talking. The wrinkles on her face made her look old and sad, even more when she smiled sympathetically at Sarah.

"Hun, don't make the same mistake I made. Go back to him. He just wants to help, I'm sure."

"How can you be sure?"

"I just know. That's all that James wanted, to get though it together, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. You can never replace _the one."_

"Thanks." Sarah replied, and Rose returned to her original position.

Through the rest of the flight, Sarah contemplated what to do and wrote two letters; One to Chuck and one to Director Graham.


	9. Chapter 8: Completely and Utterly Done

**Author's note:** Sigh, I'm so sorry for the long wait of an update. I feel terrible, but I had such a bad case of "writer's block" or "writing dribble" (as a fellow TWoP person said) that I just couldn't produce anything. I re-wrote this chapter a total of six times, this being the seventh. Each time, it had a completely different plot and outcome. (Oh and the chapter name does not mean that the story is over, because it isn't) So, without any more, here you go! Oh, but please do review. It's really helpful!

**Disclaimer:** Because guess what? I still don't own anything related to Chuck.

Completely and Utterly Done

"It'll be okay, Chuck." Ellie soothed as her brother sobbed. It had been a long six months since Sarah had left and on top of that, it was the due date of their miscarried child.

In his arms were two pictures; one of him and Sarah on Halloween and the other was a screen-cap of the baby's sonogram right before the miscarriage.

Even though it had been six months, Chuck had yet to recover, even the slightest bit. He wasn't surprised when he didn't hear from her or when Casey gave him the "she's an agent" speech. Still, he would've liked to hear from her.

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Sarah hadn't noticed the date until she had entered her hotel room late that night. She was currently in Germany, ordered to take out a small but very dangerous communist group that was threatening to take over and essentially create the next Nazi regime.

It was her tenth mission since she had left, but her first real one. All her previous missions since Chuck had been easy, "Get in, get outs" and were way below her level. After five months of torture, Graham finally decided to give her something she was used to.

Making sure no one was in her room and that the windows were shut, curtains closed, she opened her suit case and pulled three items out of a secret pocket; a photo, an iPOD and its corresponding letter.

Laying down on her bed, she put the headphones in her ears and put on one of the three playlists as she read the letter that went with it.

She cried as she traced his handwriting with her fingers.

She laid the letter on her stomach and lifted the picture above her head, up to her face. Through the overflowing tears, she blinked to make out his face through the blur.

In the picture, they were so happy. He had his heart-warming smile on his face and she was holding onto him like she really, truly loved him.

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"No." Chuck answered, taking a pillow from underneath this head to cover his face.

For the last six months, Ellie had watched her brother break even more and more with every waking day. By the third day, Ellie had officially decided that his hurt went further, and was worse, than the fiasco with Stanford, Jill and Bryce.

Only this time she refused to watch her brother mope in pain for five plus years.

"Chuck, she'll come back. Just give her some time." Ellie tried as she removed the pillow from his faced and rubbed her thumb over his cheek. _If only she knew,_ he thought.

"She's...She's never coming back." He wailed.

"She will. Trust me." Ellie replied, getting up from Chuck's side. "It'll be okay Chuck, it'll be okay."

Chuck lifted the picture of the two to his face and blinked through the warm tears to see her beautiful, happy face, and wept.

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Hearing someone helplessly sobbing is hard on anyone, even John Casey, the supposed emotionless _thing_. Every night, Casey was woken by Chuck's cries over the feed from the bugs. His cries filled the night, effecting even Casey's emotions.

Some nights, when Casey couldn't take it anymore, he'd shut them off all together.

By this particular night, Casey couldn't take it anymore and finally decided to give in and do something about it.

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Caught up in her brother's depression, Ellie vaguely heard the knocks on the front door from her current position in the kitchen.

"Hello John." Ellie welcomed, trying not to show her sadness.

"Can I speak to Chuck?" Casey asked, playing his sympathetic card.

Ellie hesitated. "Sure." She said. "I'm not so sure he's up to talking, though."

Casey showed himself to Chuck's room, Ellie heading back to the kitchen to enjoy herself a glass of wine.

"Man up, Bartowski." Casey said. "I have something for you."

Chuck turned his back to Casey." Go away Casey. I'm not in the mood." He replied.

"It's from your lady friend. Your damsel in distress?"

Chuck turned around, his splotchy red face exposed. "Sa-Sarah?"

Casey threw him the envelope. "She sent me a letter a few months ago. She told me to give this to you on this specific date."

Chuck eagerly ripped open the letter and managed to get through the whole thing before sobbing even harder into his bed.

_ Chuck,_

_ I write to you from my plane leaving you. I'm sorry we had to leave on such a bad note, I really am. Towards the end of our time together, things got rough and I didn't now any other way to deal with it other than closing back up._

_ It's hard to know that by the time you read this, November 17th, we could have been parents. I am eternally sorry that happened, as I feel that it is my fault. I wanted her (I thought it was going to be a girl) to have your anything-but-tame brown hair and your heart-warming smile._

_ Chuck, you mean a lot more to me than I think you know. I was thinking, hoping, that going back into field work for the agency would distract me from my losses. I figured that distancing myself from you would make the hurt go away, but even only being on the plane to do so, I've realized that I was wrong._

_ I listened to the iPOD. So far, as I write this, I've only listened to my playlist, but it moved me. After listening to it, even just for the first time, I wish I wouldn't have left, which isn't a good thing for an agent._

_ If you ever need someone to talk to, ask Casey, I know he will. He may not seem willing, but on the inside--deep, deep on the inside-- there's a big squishy teddy bear._

_ I know today is hard (today being the day that I write this and left, as well as the day you read this, November 17th) and if you want to simply tell me something, call me on my old cell phone number. I won't answer, I can't, but I promise that I will listen when time allows me to._

_ I will love you always, despite what may show._

_ -Sarah (the name that I want you to always refer to me as)_

Casey stood in his normal stiff stance, watching Chuck freak out on his bed. Casey didn't know if it was better to sit there and watch or to leave. Chuck made the decision for him. He crawled off his bed, barely able to stand on his shaky legs, and wrapped his arms around Casey's chest. Casey stood in shock, eyes wide and face pale. After the first _minutes _of shock, Casey limply wrapped his arms around Chuck and patted him on the back as Chuck made a nice warm wet spot on Casey's black jacket.

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She couldn't sleep. Not only because of how upset she was, but because of how she was feeling that she was dishonoring her and Chuck's relationship.

She knew by now that Chuck had probably read the letter, praying that Casey would do at least that for her, and she worried of how he took it.

Emotionally, she through. She couldn't stand sleeping with men for the job anymore. For the first time, it strongly bugged her and made her feel unfaithful. After everything Chuck had done for her and showed her, she felt that it should be the least she could do to stop.

She held onto a pillow as she cried. She knew that in another place and time, specifically before her miscarriage, the pillow could be a tiny little life in her arms with warm tears of joy instead of depression rolling down her cheeks.

Physically, her body was worn out from the sudden thrust back into a large amount of physical activity.

She was done. Physically, emotionally, completely done.

Five minutes after calming down and making her voice normal, she picked up the phone and made one of the most important phone calls of her life up until this time.


	10. Chapter 9: Back for More Love

**Author's Note:** Goodness, goodness, boy am I sorry for such the long wait. I have never, _ever_, had such a long period of no updates/not writing. After that long break, I finally came up with this today. So, I apologize. Anyways, there's an epilogue coming next, so yeah! Thanks for reading! Review please!?

**Disclaimer:** Still don't own it. So, unless it's up for sale for a very small price, it's NBC's or whoever...

Chapter Nine: Back for More Love

"Look Walker, you can't just quit the CIA." Graham furiously explained. Sarah had gotten off her plane less than twenty minutes ago and had already stormed into Graham's office, verbal guns blazing.

"Then let me go back to Chuck." Sarah demanded, determined to get her way. The way she saw it, Graham had two options; let her leave the CIA, or let her back with Chuck, either one involving Chuck.

It hadn't taken long for her to realize that she couldn't push her love for Chuck away, or her emotions for that matter.

On the plane ride from her current assignment to DC, Sarah kept doubting her decision to completely leave the agency, but by the time the jet had landed, her mind was set.

"No, I won't allow it." General Louisa Beckham vetoed, talking as if she was Sarah's mother. Graham sat in his leather chair, looking at the two women in his office. The general and Sarah were both standing on the opposite side of his desk, unhappy.

Unexpectedly, Sarah lowered herself into a chair as the Director contemplated his answer.

"Agent Walker, you are to return to Bartowski-"

"Excuse me? That will not happen!" Beckham yelled, her hands clenched in fists at her side.

"Louisa, you have essentially no say in this. This is my agent and therefore is my decision, so I suggest you sit down before your blood pressure takes a turn for the worse." Graham took a breath before continuing. "As I was saying, you are to go back to LA with Mr. Bartowski, but, not as his handler. You may still go on missions when needed, but you will mainly be Team Chuck's analyst, are we clear?"

"Yes sir." Sarah smiled and thanked as she got up to exit the room.

"And Agent Walker?" Sarah turned around for her last statement. "Happy birthday." Sarah smiled in appreciation and carefully closed the door.

Once she was out of the office, she could hear Beckham's unpleasant and harsh tone being hashed out on the Director. With an abundance of joy, Sarah practically skipped to her office to gather her things.

On her way down to the airport, without the luxury of complete privacy, Sarah called Casey and informed him of her plan. The only thing Sarah had left to do was wait and while she was trying to accomplish the simple, but hard, task of sleeping, she pulled out the iPOD Chuck had given to her. She listened to all of his favorite songs that she had the time to and memorized as many of them as she could.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

"What do you want Casey?" Chuck asked, agitated, as Casey pulled him from a customer at the nerd herd.

"We're needed in the home theater room. Now." Casey demanded, cold. Casey released the nerd's tie and starred him down.

"Can't it wait?" Chuck plead, trying to keep away from two unhappy people who hadn't gotten over Chuck's mistake from a week ago.

Casey growled his annoyed growl number three and dragged him to the door of the home theater room. Forcefully, he opened the blinded door and shoved him in.

Once Chuck regained his balance, his feet were glued to the floor after his eyes landed on the back of a blond-harried head.

After taking a final deep breath, Sarah stood from the couch and turned to face him. "Hi Chuck." she whispered, trying to stay strong-- trying being the key word.

"Sarah?" he asked, suddenly feeling lightheaded.

"I'm back for good, Chuck." He didn't need to hear anything more. Quickly, he crossed the small area to her and took her in his arms, spinning her around the room. His face lit up with genuine joy, something that he had rarely experienced since the beginning of their emotional spiral.

Gently, he set her back down, eye contact and arms staying in place. "How? When? Why?" he rambled.

Sarah smiled and put a finger on his mouth. Closing the small gap between the two sets of lips, Sarah passionately pressed hers into his, creating the replica kiss from the docks, minus the awkwardness after it broke.

"Why don't you help me settle in first, then we can talk." Sarah suggested.

Despite Sarah's warning, Casey couldn't help but watch in on the two from a crack between the curtains. Without noticing, he was smirking and actually happy for the two.

"What's so interesting, man?" Morgan asked, appearing out of no where.

"Huh? Oh, nothing." Casey answered, caught red handed. Morgan tried to take a look, so Casey reacted by pushing him down like a dead, short three in the way.

"Hey! Was that Sarah!?" Morgan asked as he lay on his back, looking up. In response to Morgan's annoying interrogation, Casey positioned his body to hover over him and glowered, which was enough to make Morgan squirm.

Meanwhile, Sarah and Chuck escaped the Buy More, hand in hand, without being noticed.


	11. Chapter 10: Say What You Need to Say

**Note: **Well my fellow readers, writers and friends, the end is here. Unless everyone is upset about my hanging ending, this is the last chapter. I couldn't, for some odd reason, write an epilogue, so this is what you got--a very very short chapter like thing! I'd like to thank you all for the fantasmical reviews that I enjoyed oh so very much and well... yeah! Bye!

**Disclaimer:** Just to play it safe, I _do not_ own Chuck to my dismay and I _don't_ get payed for whatever I write.

Chapter Ten: Say What You Need To Say

_(About) One Year Later..._

The feeling was back, this time in a different situation. She knew by the first week that she was pregnant again.

Emotionally, Sarah was ecstatic. Ever since she returned to Chuck, she had wanted to try for a child, but she knew that they had to work through the pain first, and so that was exactly what they did.

Chuck, with the addition of Ellie, helped her get through the resurfaced hurt of the miscarriage as well as some of the problems Sarah had bottled up inside her from her past. Ellie helped boost Sarah's confidence and slayed all of her insecurities.

The main thing Chuck had to overcome was his fear of Sarah leaving. Every night, Sarah reassured him that she was here to stay, and by marrying her, he put his faith and trust in her.

Once the two had overcome the insecurities and fears, they started a life together, and before they knew it, a year had passed by.

Chuck, being the resident nerd, insisted that they got married on the anniversary of when they first met and Sarah happily agreed. Now, they had been married for a little over a year and they were in the beginning stages of starting a family.

All she had to do was to tell Chuck, but she couldn't get herself to do it. The nervousness overwhelmed her one lonely, rainy day and it led to her phone conversation with her best friend Ellie. Ellie, as the time before, was overflowing with excitement for the two and even helped Sarah come up with a way to announce it.

Later that same night, when Chuck entered their apartment, Sarah had everything ready, but was hit with a surprise herself.

"Honey, I'm home!" Chuck yelled, in a joking matter. Sarah made her way out of the kitchen and met him for a brief kiss.

"I love it when you say that." she admitted.

"Good, well, I've got some news for you," Chuck started. "Remember that game I was working on?"

"The one with the weird guns and snakes that eat pancakes and-"

"Water and marshmallow guns are not weird. And just because snakes enjoy eating pancakes doesn't-"

"Chuck?" Sarah interrupted, trying to get his attention. "What is it?"

"Oh, well, guess who just bought it? EA!"

"That's great sweetie!" Chuck smiled as he stole another kiss.

"Well then, while we're announcing things..." Sarah's voice trailed off as she walked into the bedroom and retrieved two items wrapped in light green and yellow tissue paper. "Open these."

Sitting down on the nearby couch, Chuck slowly ripped the green tissue paper with a grin.

"It's a... plastic rattle?" he asked, not understanding the meaning behind it. "Gee, thanks?"

Sarah looked at him in disbelief. Of course only her genius husband by the name of Chuck Bartowski wouldn't get the hint. "Open the next one."

Equally as slow, Chuck opened the present as Sarah stood and watched on. After carefully unraveling the tissue paper, Chuck froze when he saw the positive pregnancy test fall into his hands.

Chuck looked up at her with question in his eyes. "You mean?"

"Yes Chuck, I'm pregnant."

Chuck stared at her for another moment, putting things together before saying, "Well, I guess we'll need a bigger place then."

Sarah laughed at the stupidity of his answer as she smiled and kissed the father of her child, happily.

_Fin_


End file.
